Going through these thoughts on a daily basis is as excruciating as waiting. In fact, it makes the waiting process so much harder. I've stepped so far into the unknown in my life, in this process of trying to start a family, that the only thing I can do is look up.
Each month I'm met with "it's not time, but it's not a no either," after two years of painful losses. I wonder to myself if waiting for the yes to come and being in neither a "yes," or "no," season is harder than all of the "no's" I had in 2018 and 2019. But were they really "no's," every miscarriage? Or were they just a deeper revelation of a fallen world that is in need of a Savior?
The anxiety, and the aches, and the pains of waiting to hold a baby in my arms never goes away. Like the loss of a loved one, you never stop wanting to build your family, and the process never gets easier. It just fades with time, the impact does, and you get stronger the longer you walk your own individual journey. Whether you're trying to conceive naturally, or whether you're trying to build your family through adoption--the wait can be just as painful and very similar. In the end we learn the gift of life is only in the hands of one--God.
Pregnancy alone confounds medical experts in many ways still today. So in this moment, I encourage you to breathe. My own season of waiting hasn't even come to a breakthrough, and I assure you my ache is very similar to your own. But, yet we still have to learn how to get through it all each day. And so, we look to the only one who can answer our prayers and also causes those answers to be delayed for whatever His reasoning beyond us. We just have to take each moment in life one step at a time, and we just have to breathe.