It's A Privilege; Not A Right

When I am facing the same circumstance that causes that deep hole in my heart that I've faced for the past 3 years; he gives me the same answer. At first I thought the answer was silence, and I resisted Him. But I realized it's bigger than that--it's this impossible, crazy love of his that I can't possibly understand. He's so much bigger than me that at the end of the day I realized at the end of it all each time the ONLY thing that truly mattered was HIM.

I don't have answers for why I'm waiting, but I do have HIM. He has the answers that I am seeking and its infuriating to think that something so important is being withheld from me...something so important, right? Perhaps it is of value, but is the importance of it nearly comparable to knowing Him and His purpose in my life? The constant aching of my relentlessly curious mind makes my yearn for "forever (see rev. 21:4)" in his arms more prevalent every day. Facing my current circumstances, being forced into this uncontrollable place of waiting; I surrender.

I surrender to what's so much bigger than me; the miraculous decision God decides to give the gift of life to those whom he has decided to give it to. In the end, I've come to understand none of us deserve to have children; they are as much a mercy as salvation (see ephesians 2:8), they are a miracle and blessing beyond words, and it doesn't matter how long we wait to have them because its not up to us and there's nothing we can do to earn them. It's up to Him, and him alone, no matter what we do to try and achieve that dream of holding a baby in our arms He alone has power over life and death.

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