Rivers and Roads

Dear Baby,

I've done nothing but bleed my heart out for you. My pregnancy journey has been nothing but...loss. I know I sound miserable, but I guess that's because I am. When you lose so much it tends to be that way. I wonder if having the courage to be publicly vulnerable is really a strength? I wonder if that's a strength, or maybe I am a fool that just keeps bleeding... I'm bleeding my heart out in rivers and roads until I reach you.

I want to know what you look like. I don't want to live in the past anymore and wonder about what I can't have. But I am holding on to this fragile belief that you are real. That some day I will look into your eyes and know what color they will be. That I'll also have your little hand wrapped around my finger, and enjoy the strength that it takes to pull away from your firm grip.

Oh little baby, I am ready for the sleepless nights. I would count it all joy... I am ready for my skin to not look the same, and for my body to be sacrificed at the expense of bringing you up. I am ready for whatever it takes to have you in my life... so long as it's that. I get to have you. I want to put my dues in as a mother my sweet one. I want the days where I am so tired that I forget I left my glasses in the refrigerator when I meant to grab your bottle, or when I forget an appointment because I was too busy taking care of you.

Sweet Baby, I want to know who you are so I can put a name to a face. I want to know what your hair color is; or what your skin smells like after a bath. I can't wait to get to know your sweet baby scent. I can't wait to spend my life focused on you to the point that everything that I know about life right now will never be the same. I know when that bridge comes, and I cross it, I will cease to remember what free time is. I want to know the ache of being a parent, my baby. I want to experience that first time excitement of "parents night out" when Daddy and I go on a date after you are born.

I could dream about you night and day, sweet baby. I think of your brothers and sisters in heaven with the Lord often. But, I hope that when the day comes for you and I to meet, it won't be taken away. I want the day where I can be like Rachel and feel the relief that comes with finally coming out of the downward cycle. "She conceived and bore a son and said, 'God has taken away my reproach.' (Genesis 30:23)." I want to feel those healing words make a difference in my very empty heart, little one. I want to feel the rest that comes with no longer having to wait for you, and look up to heaven with tear stained eyes as you take your first breath. As you become mine, tangible and real; no longer a painstaking heart's desire.

Until then, baby, I wait for you. Considering it's the only option I have. If I could muster up some other way to get to you sooner, believe me Dear One; I'd have the first seat on the bus heading your way! Just tell the Lord to hurry up and let me have you a little bit faster. Rivers and roads that I will follow, little one. Winding, tumultuous, white peaked rushing currents jostling me back and forth until I get to the path that leads me straight to you.


Your Mama

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