God catches me constantly trying to offer to what "I can do for him," even though I know it's nothing. It's funny to me because he's brought attention to this so many times; constantly worrying if I am good enough. I am caught between this place of fully recognizing that I can't do anything to earn his love, and yet for some reason always trying to. It baffles me at times because he's made this behavior very apparent to me, but I still seem to repeat my mistakes. I know deep in my heart that it's from misplaced inner motivations. It's like I am moved to constantly try to do something to express how much I love him, but not the right way. There's nothing wrong with expressing your love and gratitude for Christ in action, but it's wrong when you get into the habit of thinking you have to "perform" to be loved.
The reality is that we can't do anything to earn God's love. We can't do anything to earn our way into heaven, either. God's love for us "just is"; such as the invisible force of the wind whipping through the tree leaves. You can't explain why the wind does what it does, but you know it's there and very real. But like I was saying, I have this tendency to think that I need to do things like to earn his love. Dear ones, if you've ever had this perspective, take yourself back to the cross. All of your sins, all of your shame, was nailed to that cross while Jesus triumphed over sin and death.
If we can trust God to honor what Christ did to save us, then we can definitely trust in his faithfulness to figure out our lives. God is the most trustworthy being in existence; everything that he says "will be," always comes to pass. There is really nothing to argue. It's about coming to terms with who He is, and believing that He will. There is a special place reserved for the people of God within the Holy Spirit during times of waiting, and it is a place where the waiting doesn't seem so much like a punishment. It's a place of a quieted heart, stillness in each beat, and being able to hear the sound of the air inhaling and exhaling through your lungs. It's a place of contentedness mentally, and every inch of your body is relaxed just like after a professional massage. It's this space occupied in your heart by the Holy Spirit himself that clings to you in the places of unknown reassuring you with every terrifying step forward. It is, as expressed, "...the peace of God,which transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:7)." It is given to us by the Holy Spirit, for believers, and can be wholly accessed in time of hardship to keep going.
So, if you're like me, stop trying to earn a way into his heart because it's already yours. He stretched his arms out so wide for us that he died to display his unending, unconditional, sacrificial, and long-suffering love. Be the prodigal daughter, or the prodigal son, that he has given room in his heart for you to be (See Luke 15:11-32).