I had this "theme" in my life for a while that the things I never wanted or expected to happen to me ended up being what came to pass. I felt like at some point that God was playing a sick trick on me, having to face these things. To start, I had zero desire to become a Pastor's wife, but that happened for a period of time. It's not because I had anything against such an honorable godly role, but that I just didn't believe I was the kind of person that would do justice to such a high calling. Now, here I am, having gone through the pastor's wife season, and having entered a new long season of confusion and endless waiting. I had all these preconceived ideas in my mind about how I wanted my life with my husband to turn out. But it ends up being quite the opposite. Reality has a way of slapping us in the face sometimes.
For four years of my life I've been through some of the most miserable, yet transformative suffering I've ever experienced. The reason why I am sharing all of this is to analyze where I am at, and hopefully come around to showing why hoping in the Lord is more important than the suffering we experience in life. I've had four miscarriages over the last three years. Every medical explanation has come back answerless, and I feel like each day I wake up and walk this path that most of the time I'm not the one living it because of how empty I feel all the time. The hardest miscarriage was my third pregnancy. You can learn more about that here.
I've learned a lot about depending on God, and waiting on God. I've learned the kind of dependence where my back is against the wall and I literally cannot make a move without his first movement. When you're in this place of absolute confusion; a very complicated inner struggle going on of relentless questioning because of trauma. When you face uncontrollable trauma in your life that you had no control over, there is this very sobering reality of the evil that is present in this world and the brokenness from the deeply spiritual battle going on in the hidden places. There is a war being fought in this life over everything because of the great chasm that separates man from God; our sin. But don't mistake me saying these things as blaming sin for the loss of my child; it's not. What I am saying is because of the "after effects" of The Fall (Genesis 1-3), the world has become broken. Deeply broken from the very first rebellion against God. It is seen in evil, destruction, violence, pain, sickness, and diseases. It is also unfortunately seen in the loss of miscarriage.
I'm not sure I am in a place where I can say to on my own behalf, "it's going to happen for me, just wait, there is a greener side to the end of all of this! The Lord is faithful and good! He has ONLY blessings for me!" I have hope in my heart, yes, that this will all work out. I have a deep prayer in my heart begging God silently that I wouldn't be childless. I have people praying for me, who give me encouragement, and those that say they just "know" the time will come. But one thing I've learned that's not so fun from depending on God in these uncontrollable areas is that there isn't always a yes to your deepest prayers. And that thought is terrifying.
I keep facing these hard to swallow moments of life that sober me up to the reality around me. It sucks the life away from my dreams for a family. As we get older, everything becomes more complicated, and it seems like our right to choose is taken away from us more often than we do get to choose. We face darkness through loss, and the pain of questioning why, in so many circumstances of our lives it almost makes it impossible to live. To live, that is, without hope in Christ. Having known Jesus for quite some time now, I am grateful to barely remember a life before him.
My desire is for you to see that even now in my weakness, my weakest point of believing, that God will deliver. That one way or another, he's going to show up. That waiting is not in vain, and we have a hope that never runs dry. His deliverance may not come in the way I expect, and it's just as possible I will not be able to grow my family such as it's very possible that I could. It comes down to knowing God, knowing his faithfulness, and that despite everything seeming so unclear when you're in it, that he will prevail for you. He will always be your rock, your rescue, and the one who brings about ultimately only what will lead to your very good. This world is broken, yes, but Christ is still seated at the right hand of the Father. And God is still on the throne. You should take comfort in that, dear believer, because he is literally incapable of letting you down.
So while we suffer, while the suffering and the constant questioning during the waiting is painful, we can have hope. Not just because Christ sealed our redemption with his blood, but because he's ever trustworthy, ever constant, and ever faithful. Take heart, dear ones, that while we may yet be at our last hope's breath, Christ is strong in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9-11). He can become that hope, that belief, for us--he can carry us in times of hardship so long as we believe.